Who Determines Your Sense of Worth?

The following childhood adage’s were meant to make us feel better upon the unfortunate event of bullying.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

“I’m rubber. You’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”

Our Parents shared these when were kids. As a kid, name-calling sucks. As an adult it can also hurt. Not sure if this worked for you, but it didn’t have much effect on the bullies of my childhood, however, I carried it wherever I went like a paper shield.

Imagine using one of these expressions towards a nasty colleague or a narcissist, they’d think we’ve completely gone bonkers. These simple, sing song talismans, have wisdom. One encourages emotional detachment from those who wish to harm and the other is a simplified primer for returning nasty projections back to their source.

A client of mine shared a quote from a master Yogi. First impulse...rolling my eyes. I’m not saying value isn’t to be found in Yogi teachings. It’s the esoteric expression, which only the protein impaired and heat stroked can understand during a mystical conclave of hot yoga. I’m joking! Sort of. Not really.

Biases put aside the quote shared was timely:

“If you are willing to look at another’s behavior toward you as a reflection of their relationship with themselves oppose to a statement about your value, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all”

How a narcissist treats you is a not a reflection of your value, it’s a reflection of who they are. The projections are to be accepted or rejected. Once the practice is understood, the narcissist’s capability to batter is minimized.

In real talk, if a f**ked up @$$hole acts like a f**ked up @$$hole towards you, it doesn’t mean you’re deserving of the behavior or that you’re a “looser nothing”. They’re acting like a f**ked up @$hole because that’s who they are, a f**ked up @$$hole. Most likely, anyone who gets close enough to them will be treated as such. If you are treated like nothing it doesn’t mean you’re nothing. Would you take what a poo-flinging, angry toddler spews during a tantrum to heart or would you dismiss it?

The timeliness of the quote is amazing, as I’ve been working with a few clients who are extremely stuck. More stuck than I originally perceived. A few of my clients who are targets of narcissistic abuse, allowed their abusive partners to decide their self-worth, to the point they still perilously want their abusers affection and approval.

Whereas they should be moving into the anger stage of grieving and healing their desire to be comforted by their abuser inhibits this natural process. This stage is immensely important. The anger sage creates the opportunity to accept and acknowledge all that has been done to you and what has been allowed. Recognizing who and what your abuser is, you stop rationalizing, minimizing and excuse making. Emotions and thoughts you didn’t entirely allow yourself to have during the relationship are finally freed. It is now safe to do so.

It’s my suspicion these clients are stagnant in reaching this stage because it negates the thought of the abusive partner of someday loving and appreciating them. It’s pertinent to appropriately feel and even possibly hate the abuser. Theoretically it’s not safe to show anger towards the person you are voluntarily dependent on for validating your self worth. Its “forbidden” to get angry at mommy and daddy, because they’ll tell you you’re bad and can withhold love…little girls and boys aren’t suppose to get mad at their parents, right?

No! It isn’t right. It’s crap. Kids get angry with their parents. It’s part of the struggle of growing up and discovering autonomy. Good parenting allows children to have their feelings and continue to love them, regardless. Good enough parents will admit they screwed up and apologize to their children. Narcissistic parents demand their children be the perfect miniature mirrors and put the parent’s needs and feelings ahead of their own. This is totally brainwashed and backwards. This is called

and can be classified as a form of child abuse.

Freeing yourself and becoming unstuck means allowing yourself to feel angry and releasing the childish thinking. If you’re still allowing your abuser to determine your self worth this is astonishingly painful to do. Turn towards yourself to move forward. By looking at yourself for love, reassurance and comfort and not towards seeking it from another. Often easier said than done, it requires feeling the wretched pain of enduring grief from childhood and acquiring the understanding that the only person who can really ever make this better is you.

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John Alberti helps individuals work on their relationship within and outside of themselves via telephone, Skype. or in person within the Charleston area. He specializes in helping men and women try to break free of limiting belief systems , cope with the stress and acknowledge blindspots. He combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes.